Life Lessons Learned

by Ashley van Tol • July 29th, 2010 • 7 Comments » • Ashley's Blog

Finding Self

“I couldn’t live with myself any longer. And this question arose without an answer:
who is the ‘I’ that cannot live with the self? What is the self?”
-Eckhart Tolle

I use to go to a Lyme disease support group once a month. I really enjoyed the group. It was there that I met Alix and Kim from SpiroChicks and Scott Forsgren, the Better Health Guy, as well as a myriad of other Lymies who I felt a camaraderie with.

Over the winter I moved and I hadn’t been able to make it to a meeting again until this past Tuesday.

The topic was the Mind-Body Connection. One of the ladies in the group had read the book Mindsight by Daniel Siegel.

Siegel combines Western neuroscience with Eastern meditation in an exciting exploration of how a troubled mind can right itself. Drawing on current science and case studies, Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA School of Medicine, reinforces the idea that the power of reflection allows us to approach, rather than withdraw, from whatever life brings us.

The book itself sounded interesting. I have read about how stress and distress can make you physically ill. This is one of the things I explored with a psychotherapist before I was diagnosed with Lyme. She agreed it was an important aspect but she knew that there was more to my illness than just this. Gotta love the shrink who tells you, “You are sick, but it is not all in your head”.

It was the discussion that was opened up by the topic that had a profound effect on me though. The Self and the importance of Clan to your healing.

I was stunned by the realization that I give no time to my “Self” and I don’t have a Clan.

The Self-

You may call this the spirit or soul, to me it feels right to call it the Self. What is the Self? This is the true you. The brain is an organ and the body is a vessel but neither is who you are.

Where does the Self exist? I have no idea. To be honest the whole idea is more than I can really comprehend. It is like the question, “Where does the Universe end?”. You know that the universe doesn’t end; it is everywhere and forever. At the same time you can’t really visualize that as reality.

Some people believe that the Self exists in the heart center. This feels right to me. Not only does it feel right, but feeling this makes me feel more grounded. I spend a lot of time living in my head. Living in that state makes me feel disassociated from my body, or maybe it is more than that, I am disassociated from my Self.

I am always trying to work things out, to figure and to fix. I rarely if ever take the time to just be and to accept.

You are probably asking what in the world this has to do with my health. By letting go of the frantic workings of my mind; the worries, the fears, the obligations… If I can just stop, just be, I feel myself relax, my mind becomes calm. The stress and the worry melt away. Miraculously things become clearer, my mind can function better. There is no doubt that this is a much better, much healthier state to be in. I need to learn to connect with and respect my Self.

Clan-

I have a lot of friends… on facebook. I have a good family, we all care about one another.

This is not the same as having a “Clan”. A true clan is having people you can depend on, who understand you and accept you. People you can open up to and really share your life and your feelings with. A Clan is more than just a few people, a Clan is a large functioning social network. The Clan needs to include people who exist physically in your life, not just online.

To be honest, I don’t know if I have ever had this in my whole life. Sadly I have always prided myself on not needing anyone. I thought I was strong. Now I can see that “strength” was actually fear and my pride was a wall to keep me from getting hurt. I realized this Tuesday night when the LLMD who facilitates the group told us to ask for answers from our hearts not our heads.

As we continued to talk about Clan, aura and energy came up. Recognizing the people in your life who fill you up and those who are toxic. We need to surround ourselves with people who give us energy and to avoid those who steal it.

This is a really hard realization to face. What do you do when you know without a doubt that your relationship with best friend or your family members are toxic? Can you really give up those relationships?

I remained completely open as the meeting went on , but I was a little in shock. I have some major things in my life that I need to work on. Pills and potions aren’t going to cure me alone. I need to take an active role in my healing. I thought I was but now I realize I was going about it all wrong.

I’m often commended for my positive outlook and for not letting this disease or life get me down. It’s true, I don’t, another thing I have always been proud of. Unfortunately what I realize now is that even here I am hiding behind that wall. Fooling everyone including myself. My attitude has come more from avoidance than truth.

So what do I do now? I am “little girl lost”, I don’t know my Self and I don’t have a Clan.

Finding Self, I know how to do. Sticking with it is the hard part. I’ve had glimpses of my Self in the past. Sometimes the truths there are hard to accept. Perhaps that is why I have always given over to my mind which has allowed me to avoid the realities of accepting what my Self has to say.

As for finding a Clan, I have no idea where to start. I don’t work and I’m currently not the active person I use to be. Where am I supposed to find these Clan members? And then there is the fear of not being accepted. This is an issue that stems from my childhood and teen years. Suffice it to say, kids can be mean. You know that elementary school comeback “I’m rubber, you’re glue, what ever you say bounces of me and sticks to you”? I never had that rubber armor. I was just glue. Everything rubber said stuck to me and added to that wall.

I am determined to break down my wall. I can see how it is negatively affecting my life. I can also see how much fuller my life could be without it and how that in turn would positively affect my health.

7 Responses to “Life Lessons Learned”

Jennifer says:

July 29, 2010 at 8:42 PM

I have four brothers. One of them abused me as a child as did my father and my mother. I recently spoke my truth to my other brothers (to protect their children from my brother, my father’s dead, not to make them DO anything). I basically lost my family by doing this. My mother did apologize for her role in my brother’s abuse which was more than I expected and my other brothers are being nice to be online which is the only time I really see them or their families b/c the abusing brother is always at every family function. Yes, they’re OK with him being there even though they know it means I can’t spend any holidays or birthdays with them. I’m closer to you and other Lymies on Facebook that I barely know (or DON’T know) than my own family now. It was only through years and years of therapy could I accept my truth and speak it and remove the toxicity from my life. It was literally making me insane.

I have a pseudo-clan via having my daughter. A Mom clan if you will. They know about the Lyme but don’t ask, don’t tell. Since my recent relapse, the members of my pseudo-clan on Facebook haven’t called or even replied to my status messages.

I’m pretty good at the self part thanks to a lot of therapy and then being forced to do it b/c my soul was trying to destroy me from the inside out because it has pain that was being ignored.

The clan? I don’t know. I haven’t worked since I was 23 because of this disease and it doesn’t seem like that will happening in the near future at least b/c I will have to start at the bottom rung because my work history is over 10 years old now. That type of job would be a physical one most likely…. standing, etc. Work is where most people meet their friends. Or support groups. Not a fan. It hurts me to hear of others’ suffering and my mind can’t seem to handle it. This would be the bipolar support group I used to go to weekly. Can’t do it.

Online is all I’ve known since 1997 and I’ve made a couple of friends that became real life friends via the Lyme connection but they’re gone now too!
Eric Rutulante says:

July 29, 2010 at 10:12 PM

Ashley, thank you for opening up and sharing this with us. I know we have talked about it some this week, even today, and I’ve already shared my thoughts on some of it. But it is such an important point to bring out to those suffering with Lyme, and for those who don’t have Lyme. It’s a life lesson…you’ve certainly made me think more about these things, and I’m sure it will help with others to think about these things.

Like we talked about today, we come from totally different backgrounds and life experiences, making us two completely different people. It’s also what I like about our dynamic, we see the world differently in many ways. I may not be part of your “clan” in person, but I want you to know I consider you part of mine, even if we’re on opposite ends of the country. As for your self, it screams out the person you are….and what wonderfulness you have to offer the world. I hope your journey of self is a truly wonderful experience for you, and I hope you share with the rest of us as you go on that journey. We all have so much good about us, and then there’s the rest that we all have to work on. That’s part of what makes life so interesting. Thank you for sharing some of your “self” as you look at things that you want to work on for better health. It’s opened my eyes to some things also, and I’m looking forward to working more on my “self” also.

Thank you for all you do, and your constant openness about your journey. We are all evolving as people, and those of us suffering from Lyme and chronic illness have to evolve whether we like it or not, you are an amazing catalyst for others in helping on that journey.

It’s an honor to know you and work alongside you….and to evolve with you at the same time.

E
Ashley van Tol says:

July 30, 2010 at 12:06 AM

Thanks for sharing Jen. Thanks for the support Eric. You are both part of my Clan despite the distance. It is the immediate and present Clan that I really to work on.
I also know that I have nothing to fear. I know that I am good and honest and that people like me for who I am. I still need to work on the insecurities, at least now I can recognize where they came from.
Thanks for being there for me!
Maureen says:

July 30, 2010 at 7:53 AM

Hi Ashley,
Great comments. Two books I found to be helpful were Magnificent Addiction, Phil Kavanaugh and The Secret of Quantum Living, Frank Kinslow, in that order. Wishing you all the best in your healing journey, from a fellow Lymie on the same path, Maureen
lisa says:

July 30, 2010 at 12:24 PM

I am lucky enough to have a core group of friends who have been with me before I got sick, and have stuck with me all through and after. When I was confined to a sofa with sunglasses, they brought me bootlegged movies and fountain sodas so we could still feel like we were going out(this was before anyone told me that sugar was making it all worse, mind you…). Not having this would have made everything I went through so much harder, and reminds me how strong you are with your illness.
I don’t, however, have a boyfriend let alone a husband. No kids, I was barely an adult when I fell ill. And so many lymies tell me that their spouses and children are their reason to keep going… some days, when it’s hard, I feel like I’ll never have either of these things, and that makes me feel so defeated. I think that you have to be thankful for who you DO have, not just consider the people you’re lacking.
Ashley van Tol says:

July 30, 2010 at 4:34 PM

I am so grateful to the wonderful people I do have. I’m ready to move on to the next step though. I’ve been living where I am for over 6 months and I haven’t met anyone. It is lonely to spend all day everyday alone. I am healthy enough to leave the house most days, I just don’t because I don’t know anyone. Time to change that.
Jeanne says:

July 30, 2010 at 8:34 PM

Great post, Ashley. As you know, this is one of those things that I struggle with. . the whole Clan idea. I’m 46 years old, and I’m relearning how to build community. Re-envisioning a way to be in and of community, instead of being the sick mom with the sick kids looking at life passing by on Facebook. I’m casting the net for my support team wider, and wider. I have brags and bummers, but I keep on keeping on. The toughest thing for me is to not take it personally. Big challenge with all those bugs in my brain, but your post helps me see that it isn’t just me re-inventing community.